And 2 weeks later…..

I started writing this blog 2 weeks ago and never got round to finishing it so just going to add to it!!!

Well Official Application Form has been filled in and sent to the LA and our SW has made a date for our 1st HS which will be in just over 2 weeks time, so all moving along nicely on our 2nd adoption.

After my last post re Munch’s arm, doctor said it would just be bruised and painful, went for our hospital appointment the following week and were seen by the consultant only to be told that his arm was re-broken. We are very upset with the hospital, for 2 weeks he was in pain and unable to move his arm, we have wrote a letter of complaint to the hospital for what good it will do!!!

Things seem to have settled a little at school, on returning after half term Munch came home with a general letter for the whole of year 3 from the head of year, saying that by now they should have settled into Junior’s but there was a handful of children who hadn’t. These children would be getting a report card and one a week would be reporting to her!!!! Well to say that we were furious was an understatement, Munch’s teacher had said the, should have settled by now bit to use just before half term, so we were sure he would be getting one. I went in armed with all my attachment stuff and gave it to his teacher and asked her to read it, then asked her to point me in the direction of the head of year teacher, and just told her straight that Munch was not having one, what did she expect to achieve by giving a child who suffer’s from very low self esteem something that was going to draw attention to all his bad behaviour’s and then for him to have to go to her full of shame, and insisted that he was not having one. Turns out though that it was a very badly worded letter, it was nothing like a report card but more about encouraging good behaviours, Munch has been given a laminated card with 3 areas to work on, and every time he achieve’s one of these goals he receives a sticker, at the end of the week he takes it to the head of year for her to praise how well he has done and he receives a little prize. He likes working towards things like this so  know it will work well, also got called aside by the teacher at the end of last week but to say how well he had done and worked hard towards his goals, so fingers crossed we are making head way at school.

Now 2 weeks on, the goals are working really well, no being called aside, 2 teacher has made a point of praising how he is getting on to me, so things are looking up at school.

We have had my dad staying for a couple of day’s, he has never been anything but good to Munch, but for some reason Munch over the last couple of times of seeing him has gotten progressively worse with the way that he acts towards him. I have to say over the couple of day’s that he was here I was extremely ashamed of the way that Munch behaved towards him, he was down right rude, arrogant, plain nasty, he got into the blaming and saying that Grampy had punched and kicked him.

To start off with we tried the ignoring it as we had on previous visits pulled him up about it and we know with the way that Munch’s mind works to him this is getting a reaction, way hay, lets do it all some more. It didn’t work he just got ruder and nastier, until in the end I completely lost it and was very very un-therapeutic and shouted at him until I was hoarse, I told him how dare he treat my father like that, I actually told him that I was ashamed of the way that he had behaved, I was telling Grampy not to bother getting a Christmas present for him as he did not deserve it, well I actually saw remorse, had one very upset boy, who just kept repeating over and over again that he was going to try much harder, and harder he has tried, he was pleasant to Grampy in the morning before he left, he has been pleasant to us for the last few days!!!!! Beginning to think that this therapeutic parenting is not all its cracked up to be and maybe good old fashioned shouting is what it takes!

Well a week today we have our 1st HS, referee’s received there letters today and we got our Medical questionnaire’s yesterday so moving forward in our quest for no. 2.

 

Back to School Routine, Munch did Not Cope Well.

This morning started off well enough, Munch got up in a good mood, he tried to say that he was feeling sick, but mummy knew better, especially as he ate all his breakfast.  Munch was happily writing at the table and got ready for school no problem at all.

After school was a different matter though, whether it was the fact that we have had a very odd few weeks and then going back into the routine of school I don’t know but when we got in we started his reading, he was very unco-operative, he was missing words,  reading in gibberish, pretending not to know words that I know he know’s very well. So I just shut his book and said that if that was the mood he was in there was no point in carrying on and I would just write in his book just that, start of the pleading, ‘no mummy, I will read’, so second chance given, no change, so I stopped. Munch now started pushing and getting aggressive so it was – Step, he was pushing and trying to bite me so I just took him to the step and tried to put me and the dog into the living room out off his way, he dived into he living room and when I told him to go back to the step, he said no, I just manoeuvred him to the step and said his 7 minutes would start when he was on the step. I had to stand with my back to the door, he eventually got the message and went and sat on the step and did his time.

After his time up, he did wanted to read and did finnish his reading, if not as well as I know he can, as well as could be expected given his mood. I do write how he has read in the book though, and did say to start he had been uncooperative.

His mood continued he was being very contrary, wanting, then not wanting, jus being very whinny and trying to control situations all evening, I had ordered new ice boots for him as his one I had bought were to big and wanted him to try them on, he put on a big show of not being able to get them on, whilst making no effort, I was not being drawn in, so just said to leave it for now, and as we were putting them down, he accused me of strangling him, in a very aggressive tone, so he know’s this is wrong and was sent to the step, he immediately tried to change not what he had said but how he had ment it, but blaming people for things means the step, so step it was.

After his second sit on the step Munch seemed to have calmed a little, he tried on his ice boots, and then went to watch TV, which he did quietly until dinner. A dinner we had an incident where he knocked some of his food on to the table, you would have thought he had lost the lot by the way he carried on, he wailed, he wasn’t eating anymore, stropped away from the table, a complete over reaction, I just talked very calmly and we put the food back onto his plate,took off his cloths as they had gravy on and we managed to finish dinner in a civilized way!!

Munch went back to watching TV whilst I got his karate gear ready, I spoke to him whilst he was watching Tv, and again he shouted aggressively that he was watching TV, so he got sent to the step again as he is not allowed to talk to people like that, and just writing this down has made me remember, that the one thing our play therapist had us doing when things were bad and it worked quickly was  – your being rude with your voice – that’s not allowed – STEP, and your being something with your body – that’s not allowed – STEP. Can’t remember the wording we used so will have to get out my note-book and look it up and go back to it as it worked a treat before, and we have found that it is better to get on top of this behaviour then let it take hold and get out of hand which it can quite quickly.

After that karate went well, home and his usual TV before bed, story and he asked for snuggle time and cream time tonight, so 5 minutes before lights out we did snuggle time which consisted of doing This Little Piggy, and Round and Round the Garden so a bit of regression needed tonight, then a lovely massage with his special cream, so nice and tactile.

One thing that I have not mentioned for a while is that we still have the constant calling down each night for a good 1-2 hours, tonight it was only for 1/2 hour, so maybe the nice relaxing massage helped just before light out, so will try this again.

Play Therapy Resumes

This morning started not good, Munch was difiant and deliberately doing things he was asked not to do, he know’s that daddy works until sometimes 3 or 4 am in the morning and he is not to go into our room on school day’s, I noticed him about to go in and asked him not to, 2 seconds later when my back was turned in he went and jumped on daddy, deliberately doing it as hard as he could, I immediately told him that he would have no TV in the evening, then remembered he had Beaver’s this evening so he had no TV anyway, so changed it to the following morning, later when I was getting dressed Munch went to come in the room and I said no daddy is tying to sleep so he deliberately stood out side the door singing in a very load shouting voice. So he was told that he has lost the following day’s TV.

Once downstairs I told him that even though daddy works late we never ask him to be really quiet in the mornings all we ask is that he does not go in and wake daddy up and that he does not deliberately shout at he bedroom door. Munch decided that he was not going to listen and kept trying to walk off so I gave him his 7 minutes time out. As soon as it was over he decided to push me so back for another 7 minutes time out.

In the middle of this time out the Play Therapist turned up, so she set up in the living room whilst Munch finished his time out. Munch joined her in the living room and they did their thing, I was in the kitchen and I could hear him being rude and aggressive with her like he is with us, and do you know what, I was actually glad because she was seeing it first hand.

When they had finished Munch normally has a little packet of sweets to take to school which he eats whilst daddy is driving him there, this morning I said no, as he had not behaved very well this morning. He said I have been good with PT’s, to which she never said a word, so I just said I don’t think so and off he went with daddy. Daddy said that he was quiet all the way to school which is unlike him so he knew he had over stepped the mark.

We had a good talk with the PT, I always make notes. I spoke about how over the few weeks since she had not been here he had become very rude and aggressive in the way that he talks to us, al of which she said tha he had been doing with her during their session. She said that it is his way of trying to bring back the very chaotic and extremely abusive world that he lived in for over 5 years of his life back, it is what he is used to and in a strange way how he feels safest, that we need to teach him a new way of living, she said that when he speaks to us aggressively or is name calling, or demanding, that from now on we have to say very firmly, you are being rude with your voice, that is not allowed, step, and straight onto the step for his 7 minutes. If he is aggressive as in pushing, hitting kicking, spitting making fists at people, going to kick, we have to say very firmly your body behaviour is wrong, it is not allowed, step, and 7 minutes on the step.

Whilst we were doing our 7 minutes this morning obviously she had been able to observe what we were doing, Munch tends to try to engage you in talking and say’s things to get a reaction, he also calls the dog and play’s with her, what the PT said is to sit him on he step, and that we are not to talk to him at all until his time is up, she said to take ourselves and the dog into the living room and shut the door, if he bang’s on it to ignore him, we have glass panel’s in the door, which I was worried about, as hubby said if, the panels go through, so what, make it safe ignore him until time is up. The PT also said that we need to take back control and show him we are in charge, if we are out anywhere if he does any of these behaviour we are just to come straight home, like she said sometimes it is us as the adoptive parents who suffer, eg could be at an event, party ect that we really want to be at but we have to stick to our guns and leave and straight on to the step for 7 minutes once home.

We also talked about one of the things that Munch does and that is to blame us for doing things, eg on Saturday night when daddy took him aside to talk to him Munch started to saying that daddy had sworn at him, he has said that we have banged his head on he wall when he has banged it, that I have picked him up and thrown him on the floor, always when he is in one of his shake periods, but these are just a few examples of hings he will say. The PT said that we need to stop nip this in he bud or else at some point down the line we are going to end up looking at Child Protection issues. So what she has told us to do is we have suspended Munch’s star chart for the time being and we now have a When Munch Blames chart, we have to make it very clear to him that it is a terrible thing to blamed, and that is what we have to say to him, under the title it has the 2 words voice and body, if he says that somebody has done something with their voice ie swear, we put 1v on he chart, if he says someone does some thing with their body ie hit we write 1b on the chart, it is a way of showing him what he is doing, us away of seeing how often he does this, and when he does it we have to say it is a terrible thing to blame someone for doing…. and step again. On the bottom of the chart we have written What Happen’s : STEP, so that he know’s.

Anyway I picked Munch up from school, whilst walking to the car told him what was happening this evening, and that included, siting at the table and talking through our Blame Chart, and rude voice and body behaviour being wrong and what the consequence of these action’s was going to be.

At home Munch changed, did his reading, then for the big talk, whilst talking about his Blame Chart, he said like the time you punched me in the face and my tooth fell out!!!!, straight away, blame is a terrible thing, step. I will just add at this point I did anciently knock his tooth out in the playground, it was a very wobbly tooth that was about to come out and I was pretending to steal a kiss. 7 minutes up one 1b added o the chart and on with our talk we continued, whilst telling him about the rude with his voice and that included telling people to shut up or making zip actions across his mouth, he made a zip it action across his mouth, that is being rude with your voice, that is not allowed step, another 7 minutes!!! After that we managed to finish our talk.

We then went o do Munch’s special time play, which is all about him taking control, this is good as it gives him his time to have control, giving him this in theory is supposed to lessen their need for control at other times, not what given our talk I would have chosen to do but this had been decided the day before so that is what  did. Munch wanted to play Connect 4 which he played well, for a while then started to get very whinny and nothing was right and twisting things, it was near the end of our time so I just said that if he was no playing properly I was going to do the dinner, to which I got shouted out, que you are being rude with your voice, that is not allowed, step, me and dog in living room again. When time was up I came out to do the dinner and asked Munch to go and play, to which he started to push me, que your body behaviour is all wrong, that is not allowed, step. Me and dog back in the living room, this time he came into the livingroom laughing, I replaced him back on the step and stood up against the door, Munch was banging constantly on the door but I ignored it till time was up. As soon as I came out of the living room he started to hit me, que usual spiel, you must have it by now and back on step, this time he banged on the door a little while then gave up and sat until his time was up.

Whilst doing the dinner, I asked Munch to play in the living room or his bedroom which he did for a while then came into the kitchen, I said I was not prepared for him to be playing around in he kitchen whilst I was preparing dinner if he wanted to stay he needed to get a one of his colouring books to do on the table to which he did and sat and talked pleasantly, he ate dinner nicely, then off to Beaver’s

Once home supper and bedtime went without incident.